I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
