I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You have to summon your inner elephant
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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