This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
