it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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