I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
