Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
