we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
