And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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