i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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