did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
