So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..