so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
