My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
