So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
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I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
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I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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