Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
