my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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