Whatcha textin bout Willis?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
