I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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