Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
