Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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