The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
