i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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