did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
