just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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