the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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