I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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