My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
