its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
