we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
