Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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