Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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