i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
