I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
