I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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