I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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