I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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