There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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