Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
