my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
