I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
