I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
