I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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