I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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