Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
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Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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