I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
