like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
