So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
