You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
