You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
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Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
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My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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