Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
