OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
