I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I need to calm my uterus...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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