I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Boobs are out for the taking
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
