Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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