It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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